By Pastor Greg
Two guys were talking at lunch one
day. One fella told his friend that he
and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when
she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” "What did she say?"
asked the friend. "She said, 'Come
out from under that bed, you coward!”
We laugh, but sadly, fights like
these can lead to divorce. Actually, now
that I think about it, marriages end up in divorce for a whole lot less. Even in biblical times, people were getting
divorced just because they could not get along.
The people of Israel treated marriage like something cheap and
worthless. When a husband discovered
something wrong with his wife, he simply sent her away. He kicked her out of the tent. She had done nothing to deserve this. She was innocent. That’s why Moses said, “Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something
wrong with her, he writes her a letter of divorce, hands it to her, and sends
her away from his house. When she leaves his house, she is
free to marry another man” (Deuteronomy 24:1-2). He insisted she be
sent away with a certificate of innocence.
She could prove to her next husband that she had done nothing wrong.
This was still happening in New
Testament times, which is why Jesus speaks so boldly about divorce and
remarriage. He says, “Moses permitted
divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had
originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his
wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been
unfaithful” (Matthew 19:8-9).
In Malachi chapter two, God says
that divorce even affects our ability to worship. 13 Here is another thing you do. You cover the
Lord’s altar with tears, weeping and groaning because he pays no attention to
your offerings and doesn’t accept them with pleasure. 14 You
cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because
the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you
have been unfaithful to her, though she
remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows. 15 Didn’t
the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your
union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For
I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to
overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your
heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife” (Malachi 2:13-15).
Why do you suppose God gave such
strict regulations for marriage? Why did
He speak so strongly about divorce and remarriage? He did this because the marriage covenant
between a man and a woman is something quite sacred. It is to be taken seriously. I’m not talking about that piece of paper a
couple receives from the Clerk of Courts.
I’m talking about what happens when two individuals stand before God and
enter into a covenant relationship. You
see, God is the Author of marriage. He
wrote the story back in Genesis 2. So
when a Man and a Woman stand before God, they are, in effect, telling God that
they would like to be part of this story.
They want God to recognize them as a married couple. And in God’s story, marriage is sacred, holy,
and for life. This is why divorce
disgusts Him. It defiles the story. It takes
God’s portrait of marriage and scribbles it with a black crayon.
The Bible gives permission to
divorce in a few situations. Looking
back at the text from Matthew 19, we read that Jesus did give a stipulation - unless his wife has
been unfaithful. In this
situation, when one spouse breaks the marriage covenant, the other spouse has
the right to file for divorce. Some
Christians pursue this right; most, however, choose to follow their Christian
responsibility to forgive. “Seventy times seven,” says Jesus in Matthew 18:22. Forgiving doesn’t always work. Sometimes the unfaithful spouse will still
leave. Nevertheless, it is our Christian
duty to forgive. Actually, forgiveness
should happen even if the divorce does take place. It’s the only way to return to a reasonable
level of emotional health.
The other situation mentioned in
the Bible involves two individuals who were married before they became
Christians. When one of them becomes
saved, the couple needs to have a conversation about the marriage. It will obviously
be headed in two directions at that
point. The Apostle Paul helped the Corinthian
Church deal with this issue. He said, “But if the husband
or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no
longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace”
(1 Corinthians 7:15). If you are living with a spouse who is not a believer,
you should read this section of 1 Corinthians.
Paul’s teaching here is quite sound.
However, for the most part, he
says to let the unsaved spouse leave. A
household filled with bitterness and strife is certainly unholy.
These are difficult words for many
of us. They are difficult to read and to
hear. Considering
what God says about divorce and remarriage, how should a person respond? How should the Church respond? Allow me to make two suggestions.
I have counseled a lot of divorced
people. I led divorce recovery groups in
my last two congregations. I have seen a
lot of pain. I have heard terrible
stories of what one spouse did to another.
There are two lessons I have learned from my years leading these
groups. One is that most divorced people
have been deeply hurt not just by their former spouse, but also by the church
as well. Many people have no idea the
circumstances behind the divorce, yet they pass judgment. This does not mean that divorce is okay, but
it does mean that the Church needs to start showing a little grace toward a
person who has been hurt emotionally and spiritually. Most of the people I have counseled agreed
that divorce was wrong. They were
already dealing with this guilt. The
Church should be helping them find forgiveness from that guilt, not make them feel even worse.
Another thing I have learned is
that there truly are innocent people who have been forced into a divorce. We certainly would not tell a person who has
been mugged that they were guilty of a crime.
The crime was forced upon them.
It is the same with some divorces.
Sometimes a spouse will break the marriage covenant, in most cases,
through infidelity. They were not faithful
and cheated on their spouse. However, the
other spouse did remain faithful.
They did not turn their
affections toward another person. And even
when the secret affair was revealed, the innocent spouse looked for ways to
heal the marriage even though the unfaithful spouse
made up their mind to leave. The
unfaithful spouse moved out and moved in
with their lover. The one dealing with
the wreckage certainly cannot be held accountable for the divorce. They did not initiate it, nor did they desire
it, yet they must suffer through the trauma.
This person needs love and support, not a huge concrete sign draped
around their neck that reads, “DIVORCED!”
Marriage takes work. It is filled with times of love but should
also be filled with moments of forgiveness. To make a marriage last, both husband and
wife will need to learn how to say, “I was wrong. I am sorry”.
If God had made divorce too easy, then marriage would not be the holy
and sacred union it is supposed to be.
This is why God said He hates divorce and why He said remarriage after a
divorce is a sin. He wants us to realize
the sacredness of those vows.
I suspect there is one last
question on your heart. What about the
man or the woman who remarries after divorce.
Are they living in sin? Well, it
all depends on whether they were guilty of
ending their last marriage or not.
Surely someone innocent cannot be held liable. And yet, even the guilty can find
forgiveness. God has clearly taught us
that any sinner can find forgiveness (see Matthew 12:31). If a person sins, feels guilt and remorse for
that sin, and asks the Lord for
forgiveness, they will no longer have that sin held against them. The Father chooses no longer to remember that
sin. This is what justification truly
means – just as if I never sinned. So it
seems to me that a person who admitted their guilt and found forgiveness
through Christ, they should be able to
remarry without any guilt. That’s what
justification is all about – to no longer hold a person’s past against
them.
Once again, let me say that it’s
important we know God’s truth about divorce and remarriage, but also important
we know the truth about God’s forgiveness as well. Divorce is an unfortunate incident
that takes place in some marriages.
Sometimes both husband and wife are guilty of the divorce. Sometimes only one spouse is guilty. Those who are guilty must realize the
seriousness of their sin and seek the Lord’s forgiveness.
God has taught us about marriage
not to crush us or condemn us, but to show us what holiness looks like. And when we don’t measure up, we turn to
Christ. We seek His forgiveness. This applies to each of us who sin, including
those whose marriages failed. Seek His forgiveness, confess to the Lord where
you failed, and I promise you, He will forgive this sin and all others –
justifying you in the name of Jesus.
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