Victory

I am a writer.  Writing is therapy. It helps me process my feelings.  

So permit me for a moment to work through something that has been gnawing away at my heart. I can't quite tell what it is, but I know something is there, chewing away at my hope; my joy.

The idea of victory and triumph over the world seems much more distant today than it did yesterday.  The feeling that God is still in control seems foreign to me.  I look at our world and feel the battle for truth and righteousness has turned in favor of the world.  I see fewer victories over sin.

The lusts of the flesh are everywhere.  It seems no one wants to do what is right.  And the church doesn't seems to care.  Sometimes it seems that the church even agrees with the world.  No wonder I am losing hope.

Sometimes it feels like a losing battle, and lately I've begun to ask myself if it is worth the struggle.  I work so hard to bring people to Christ, but it feels like I am the only person on my side of this great tug-of-war for the heart and soul of the lost; the rest of the world is on the other side of the rope.  It seems I am battling alone, and it gets exhausting; depressing, sometimes.

"I cry out to God; yes, I shout."

"I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for His help"

(Psalm 77: 1,3)

That's how I feel.  I work so hard to bring people to holiness and righteousness.  I desire that the church not just survive but thrive!  But it seems the Spirit is far too quiet among us; sometimes even silent.

And I lose hope.  I find no joy.  And little by little, these tiny failures are gnawing away at my heart.

I need a victory.

Oh, I know that when Asaph wrote this Psalm he reminded us to look back at all God had done; to remember His wonderful deeds from long ago (Psalm 77:11).  But today, that's just not working for me.  I want to see Him do something great today.

Maybe part of my problem can be attributed to a few families who stopped attending the church I serve.  They came.  They seemed interested.  I visited.  I did everything in my power to make them feel welcomed and valued.  Yet they did not return, and I blame myself.  I lost the tug-of-war.  I feel like I have failed in some way.

Or maybe it's because I share Jesus with so many people, but I see no changes - no fruit from my labors.  I mean, I've been faithful.  I talk to them about hope and peace and love found only in the Lord Jesus.  But they still seem handcuffed to their life of sin.  I can't seem to wrestle them away from the world.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I feel like I have failed the Lord in my evangelism efforts.

Maybe that's true.  Maybe I did fail in some way.  But, then again, maybe I didn't.  Maybe their choices have nothing to do with me, this church, or my witness.  And if that's the case, why does it bother me?

Because it reminds me just how difficult it is to thrive as a church in today's world.

Over the years, I have become deeply concerned for others.  I desire to see other people come to Christ.  I desire to see people become committed to serving Christ.  Now, I'm not looking to increase numbers, rather, I want to see people become faithful disciples of Jesus.  But I can't do this alone.  I simply cannot continue to be the only one pulling.  I desperately need more hands; more believers who are deeply passionate about rescuing the lost. I want to see others on this side of the rope pulling people out of the world and into the Kingdom of God.

Maybe then my joy would return.